He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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