Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
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