Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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