1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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