Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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