she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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