I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
