She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
