I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
