I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
