I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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