best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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