my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
