During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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