I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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