So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
