4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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