true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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