scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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