If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
