I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
