normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
