By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
