just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
