Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
