i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
