he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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