i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
