Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
