All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
