did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
