So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
