If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
