I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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