when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
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