I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
