About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
