at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
