My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
