Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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