I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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