it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
