I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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