OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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