I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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