What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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