I need help removing her.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
