I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
