Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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