How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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